sorry

i have been able to cry so easily in these weeks of Australia. just a few seconds into thinking about issues, i could feel my nose sting and tears welling in my eyes.

i guess God really brought me into this dry wilderness that is Australia, to learn so much things about home that i never knew about.

firstly it's about my parents and the big secret about me. now this is a huge secret i never intend for my sister or anybody to know, especially since it has been so well-kept from me.

all my life, i always wonder why my parents never celebrated their wedding anniversary. unlike other parents, they seem to not even remember their wedding anniversary at all. often whenever my parents quarrel, they seem to stop short at the "if im so bad, why do you want to marry me" bit, and thereafter quieten and not quarrel anymore.

then there was this point into my angst teenage years that i question my mum- why was i born?why do you want to give birth to me? don't you think that parents are selfish for bringing children into the world to suffer such pain all for the sake of making a family complete?

my mum was never able to answer me and kept silent. it made me all the more bewildered-forming the conclusion that all parents are indeed selfish people. and the question still persisted.

and my dad, he likes to tell me not to go out with boys since they are bad company. i grew into puberty feeling weird about guys, feeling rather awkward around them. i admired girls who have brothers and were able to relate to guys as friends easily. i hated how awkward i was, that guys who were nice to me must have liked me, and i fell really easily in love with guys who are nice to me. see how weird my perceptions was?

my mum often complained to me how mean my grandmother was to her, saying how mother-in-laws are bad. my mum did not have all the midwives, tonics and seniors' expertise after childbirth.

life continued. until one day the news broke that my sister is pregnant, and i wrote a really heartfelt letter to ask my sister to go for an abortion. my mum came to me and cried, saying how hurt she felt that i could ask my sister to do such an abominable thing and how much it sadden her heart and so on. i have never in my life, unlike my sister, made my mum cry, so i was really surprised and thought that my motherly mum loves children too much.

now, imagine, how horrid i feel now...coming all the way to Australia, to struggle with the thoughts that i was the reason why my parents married (willingly or unwillingly), i was the reason my mum was left out of being showered with wedding anniversary presents, that my parents are stuck to each other and forced to live in happiness because of me, that i hurt my mum because she brought me up with so much pain and courage yet i encouraged abortion.

my heart just feel so pained and i am at loss at how to look at my parents in the eye. i kinda dreaded it in fact. i am a little angry at my dad for asking me not to be naughty and behave like a slut with the boys and all. i feel so bad for my mum. i feel like a selfish brat.

i don't know how i should feel... i feel so sorrowful.

as if crying about my family isn't enough, i now cry about my friends.

look at this picture- it is something that makes me so jealous.

a fellow schoolmate of mine in the same batch as me, posted this picture in facebook.

how nice it is, to have a whole huge group of friends making an appointment to gather together for a skype session. all 8 of them.

what a beautiful and simple surprise it is. no matter how popular i used to think i am, i feel very sorry for myself to say that, i will not be as lucky as her and i do not deserve any of these.

i feel really confused as to whether am i selfish or not, whether i was wrong to have the feelings i have...

i never wish to destroy the happiness of lovers. all i long for was truth, and not things done in secret resulting in this sense of betrayal.

do you know how hurtful it is to think that people are only happy to send you away, so that he can meet her after cell group fellowships? do you know how sad it is to check my emails, facebook, twitter EVERYDAY to find some sort of message breaking the truth to me, or even the very least asking how i am in Australia. i am not worthy enough for some little time to pen a few little words.

do you know how much it hurts to really invest in such friendships to take it out to only realize it is a sinking lousy sampan.... do you know how much pain i feel, very helpless to turn to anybody in church, like a woman scorned to be avoided at all costs. how can i be truthful and not expecting anything to be done- how can i, at the same time, not cause divisions amongst the shepherd's sheep.

i feel so disillusioned with the cell group. words said in appreciation are merely flattery and empty hollow lies, not commitment or out of love. should i rejoice knowing that someone of 10 years of friendship understands 10% of my pain? should i rejoice if nobody knows my pain at all?

"there are grumblers, complainers, walking according to their own lusts; and they mouth great swelling words, flattering people to gain advantage. But you, beloved, remember the words which were spoken by the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ: how they told you that there would be mockers in the last time who would walk according to their own ungodly lusts. These are sensual persons, who cause divisions, not having the Spirit."

i do not want to be a grumbler, i do not want to be a complainer, i do not want to cause divisions, i do not want to tell you nice things to gain advantage...

and i am very sorry that i can be only filled with such hatred and sadness now, to see things having to end this way.