God's light

when i was feeling down, the song "...now in the darkness, God's light shine. Christ forever, glorified!" cheered me up like a personal cheerleading song. it comforted me, and caused me to feel that God is closer to me especially when horrid things of the world overwhelmed me. yet somehow i feel that something is wrong somewhere, and i could not point a finger to it.

then one day i read 1 John, impacted by KC Gan's sharing about John the Beloved whom Jesus loves. reading through it, i came upon about the test of knowing God. and ho- how it made me wept in guilt and morose.

"He who says he is in the light, and hates his brother, is in darkness until now. He who loves his brother abides in the light, and there is no cause for stumbling in him.

But he who hates his brother is in darkness and walks in darkness and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes"

i realized that this darkness was "created" by me when i hated, stumbled, and became blinded. God's light was never meant to be external; it has all along been designated to be shining within me.

God meant for me to be the light to shine upon, and ultimately overcome the darkness of the world, hence glorifying Christ forever. no longer should i be that infant that feeds upon the milk bottle that is, "God's light", treating God like a safety blanket, claiming to know God in such a superficial superficial way.

how my head spins with such a discovery. there was so much despair that i felt, an incredible yoke so heavy, so incapable to wean off this childish nature of knowing God as the daddy who will protect me against the evil people.

needless to say, i took the test of "how much do you know God?"- and i have flunked it badly. holding the exam result in my hands right now, the question i face now is, just how am i going to pass this test now?

:( help, it's so easy to hate and so difficult to love .