and i cry if i want to

song that resonates with my mood:



It's my party and I'll cry if I want to,
cry if I want to, cry if I want to.
You would cry too if it happened to you.



interestingly the singer was crying about something about lost loves, which somewhat echoes some resemblance of what i feel, though not quite. what i meant by lost love is not in the romantic sense, but friendships-wise.

i have never, in my 22 years of growing up, know of friends who have not fell out dating the same person. the bestest of friends will become strangers or enemies, casual friends will remain only as mere acquaintance, all because of an old common love interest. people leave church and cell groups when it becomes unbearable.

case studies: raphael-terence, elicia-terri, eugene-kim peng. now can anybody show me any real life success stories and case studies that i can learn from?

the sting of betrayal and doubting bites me every moment when i am left alone, dark clouds loom over me as soon as the morning sun forces my eyes open. when 4 people send me to the airport, perhaps only 2 were sincere. when asked to sing karaoke, it was probably to allow me to get used to the idea. when asked a personal question caring over my welfare, "how have you moved on?" "heard you have your eyes on chicken rice, how is it going!"-- in all my naiveté i told them the truth and genuinely felt open to tell them of everything.

yet now i felt like i have been kept in the dark all along, that i was open to such people who were not in turn, open to me. i felt like i was sooo stupid not to see all the little things, that i was invited to outings that people offered to pay for my share in the pretense of farewell gift but instead, were gradual steps of going public.

indeed, he is rotten through and through. of the thousands of girls around, he likes to pick those close enough to me, to test me and my friends around.

all these is too difficult for me. i wish i can be stronger. i have moved on. but why do you to be so mean and turn me into a petty freak all the entire time? why do you have to forget birthdays, tell me that it is your style to be fierce because i was late? why is it that you can be late and i cannot be late? why do you have to make me feel awkward amongst my cell group people- my dearest friends of the weekend? why do you have to make me lose out on rejoicing for friends' happinesses? why do you have to make me so self-conscious, make people observe my reactions, make me the subject of gossip? why do you tease your own cell group members and act like the matchmaker?

i shall not turn into the bitter woman Michal, i shall not pull a damper on David praising and worshiping God. i shall instead sing even harder, try as i might, like an anchor trying to float, to build up a great atmosphere. i do not wish to hear any apologies. why apologize if it's meant to be good in God's eyes, and if the union should be blessed?

i only have a few selfish things to ask. i wish people would not pay any attention to me. i wish people would respect my decisions and protect me from feeling miserable. as my friends, please let me stay in my ignorance for it is truly my little piece of bliss. i would be so willing to teach you how to adjust facebook privacy settings. sometimes i wish to block feeds and notices- i just might do it soon.

it's my party, and i cry if i want to.