j a n e t

this year i find that i am getting more angstier. like i throw tempers easily, and then complain abut others too much. and then i go on cold wars, but in the end, realise that perhaps i just cant forgive people, or even more so, myself easily.

i get angry and continue in my rage perhaps coz i think it feels awkward to reconcile again? i dont know.. just that even through the whole confrontation, i realise that i was quite mean also.

BUT i just cant stand people taking me for granted and being careless with their words.

i have alot of grievances against people. sometimes i wished i was an island, against the proverb "no man is an island". WHY! i wished sometimes i was one of those non-living things. like a pebble on the seashore or just some random cloud. sometimes i see a stray cat and i grow envious of it. very lame right.

i dont like alot of things, including being called self-centered, even though i think everyone is, and that everyone has different levels of tolerance for certain things.

these days i feel the echo of my father's voice in my head... the tone he used, whenever he gets angry. and when i got angry, it rang in my head, the words he said, "go and die lah". so i was sms-confronting, that my head kept cursing, go and die la go and die la go and die la.. quite evil right. and no, i dont want to be SLAIN! dont do exorcism things on me please. ugh..!

and you reading this, you're on the list of my trusted circle of friends. when i was adding yours contacts into my list, i realise i may have crossed you and we fell out before. but then somehow we always get back together and then everything became ok again.

thank you for tolerating me when i was a hotheaded devil, an ugly monster that was full of hate. you tried talking to me. and was calm to pacify me. you cared for me and absorbed all my rants and angry words without complaints and with patience like that of Mother Theresa's. you stayed with me through thick and thin. you gave me a listening ear and touched me when i felt i do not deserve anything in return.

so, thank you. :)