a bird with a broken wing

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i have given up. all that "what u gonna do before the year end" preachings? i can't make it.

1. before i start to ask, i have already deemed it doomed
2. i got no real or noble dreams to live for
3. i know i will always be second-place; i will start avoiding u as u have avoided me

that day during cell group, i prayed for myself in the group prayer (which i have never done before) coz i thought only if i shamelessly prayed for myself, God will know how badly i want it, God will make it come to pass. then i realised, what i prayed was this: "Make my next year good."

in my prayer i have already given up the white flag.
in my prayer, i have set no targets, i just want everything to be good. but what is everything? what is it that i really want? then i also realised i will probably end up never satisfied.

reflecting upon this, God must have shaked his head, sighed like all the others do and skipped my prayer. liujing said i prayed well, but thinking about what i prayed for, i cried. i have wasted a prayer.

today i saw clothes i liked but i shouldnt couldnt buy. i ate but i wished i had more to eat of, like cheese fries and oyster omelette and sushi. and i wished i had money to buy a drink without feeling that naggy sensation that drinks are overpriced. i went out and i felt inferior to people. i went online and realised i was banned from commenting on this livejournal community. i felt like im a cheapo bum who goes out to get blessings from people and never blessing others myself. i talked on the phone and felt like most times im a substitute.

please excuse my outburst of emo.

however ironic this is, i want to say without God in my life, i think i would have attempted suicide a long time ago. however upset i am, He will be here with me. To think that if i were to go to hell and not have a single chance to be near His presence, my soul will be tortured like seeing many cheap and beautiful dresses that i can never ever own while everyone else owns them; it will be tortured like a spurned and ridiculed lover; it will kill me like plucking out 4 teeth at one go, and worse still, without anaesthestic.

shocking isnt it! the cheerful crazy janet saying that she might have attempted suicide.

gotta cry a bit and be more matured (hopefully). signing off.