what might have been

sometimes i wonder what might have been if i were to finish my bachelors and have headed back home.

i wouldn't have to wake up everyday forced away and bathed in the harsh rays of the Australian sun, or be stirred awake in the stark coldness by the alarms from my phone, reminding me to finish up the homework before it is due in like 3 hours later, waking up to a luxurious "privacy"a room i pay AUD$11.33 a day to be surrounded by blank walls.

i may, 1 year ago, have been awaken up by my naggy mother, or the little brat asking me to play with her, or by my sister who might been giggling at me because she was up to no good.

this year, this time, i would have been in singapore, perhaps working in a media or public relations firm, doing the same old, going out with the same old group of friends, drinking bubble tea almost everyday, having my shopping crave satisfied once a week.

and then the cycle-- buy more clothes, sneakily put clothes in cupboard, wait for mum to nag, buy somemore clothes regardless...

i may have had saved some money from my working experience, and used all the money saved from birthdays, chinese new years, christmas, work, to fly to nearby asian cities such as hongkong and bangkok- places i longed to go since forever to shop. instead, the money has been channeled into my studies, for my Masters course.

i never had a real present or gifts of money for useless frivolous expensive things because i had chosen this path of going abroad to study. my small little laptop had been too difficult to skype with my family so i got this nice hp laptop, but otherwise i don't get to ask for anything much.

being able to study, as i had requested to, has been my privilege. it is something i have to treasure; my parents aint rich to put me through this course. everyday i struggle to keep up with the course, pray that i would not fail, hope that all the unpleasant things could go away, try not to let my guard down, fight the race alone, love so that i too can be loved for just that tiny bit because i can only live for love and without it life can be so meaningless...

i never like to play gambling games, the risks are too much to take especially when you have so much you can lose. if only i could just withdraw that tiny bit, day by day, and make sure every sacrifice i make is matched by some form of the same amount of sacrifice...just before it gets too late.