i think some guys are just huge jerks. and i kick myself seriously hard, in my heart. it felt so broken, torn, trampled..deceived and wrenched. i made an inner promise never, ever again to let myself be treated this way.
it all began with this huge pain in my life and i had no respect for it because it never had any respect for friends, or people he considers to be inferior to him. he acknowledges that he is crude and rude, albeit annoyingly proud of it, and refuses to change his ways-- expecting mine to be changed so that i would not step on his toes.
he uses the word "we" to group him and his friends, to give him a say in power as the majority. he rolls his eyeballs so frequently, yet considers my one action of amused-at-his-speech to be one of serious disrespect.
he says he came all the way down (choke) to have this talk with me. should i be grateful to it? have i learnt anything?
YES i have learnt so much.
i learned that this one person i despise so much, could have such great skills of bashing someone, in doing someone in to cause him to be so fearful... i learned that the friends whom i thought were mine, friends i have invested my love and time into, were never really mine. they are my nemesis, they are strangers overnight.
this was the part that really hurt.
to learn that somebody could agree with this tyrant that i should not be (in his words) childish. all this time, in this 6 years we have known each other- all u can agree with this person who speaks no sense- was that i am childish. u allowed him to step all over my pride. u actually allowed that. i cannot believe how naive i was. u would not know how humiliated i felt when that came out.
my happiness means nothing to u as long as u see me behaving in the adult that u think i should be. what do u mean by adult? like how? like what? say it! describe it! i have no idea who you want me to become! why do you want me to change anyway? am i so hateable being the way i was?
it hurts... it hurts... i sit in front of my laptop typing this resolving to harden my heart. but my face is showing otherwise, it pains me and i just want it to go away. i blocked u in my privacy settings at least...why should i show you my raw and true side? u're not my friend anyway. after this post i would lock up my blog again. this time i will filter my list. u only want my adult and cool side-so you get it. my blog is my personal space and this is where i take my things that i find personal into.
u hate that i blow up every single thing and find everything personal so there you have it.
to it, your wish is my command. your friends are yours and not mine. you can have them coz theyre not worthy to be mine anyway. if they were mine they wouldnt have done this to me.
my own friends would have protected me from false claims and things that misleads me, or would have spoke to me and prepared me for it beforehand, would have been worried that i would not be bullied.
you allowed someone to kill me on the inside because you believed you were not close enough to me to tell me all this. oh no no you are not cowardly. who dares to call you cowardly now! u have a great master who protects you, so you are not cowardly to send me an email or call me or msn me to communicate with me. this is how you view how relationship to be like-- well then, just let it remains as that. communicate with me through your blog and not use names. that way i wont change coz i have no idea you were talking about me.
i was vulnerable when i talk to you over msn. i cried and said i was deeply troubled. u could have ran off to any human in the world, but you went to it and told him all the things i felt sad about....and it now says that i am INSECURE because of this.
you were right to say that we are not close enough to talk....you are only close enough to discuss the weather. seriously i guess you mean adults are mature people who have no insecurities??
"i am insecure freak who is impatient and childish and steps on people's toes, attacks his friend and bitch about people all the time."
you allowed him to say these things about me and you want me to be adult and stop harping on things, stop talking about people but the actions.
it, as if you were doing it right since day one. who are you to judge me?
------
from today onwards, i will show you only my fake impersonal self. maybe no laughter for some time. i will just smile and acknowledge what u say. the cell group matters as a whole right? i will stumble through it somehow and grow up.
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