happy birthday BENEDICT!!! wish him everyone! or be prepared to be shot with flames of destiny~
yesterday i witnessed debbie screaming at a guy on the mrt for trying to snap our picture!! it was some parts "ooooooh so scary" and some parts "a little embarrassed" and most parts "wah she's so brave"!
i saw the youtube video and really felt that the ending is awkward. i hate my butt my figure my posture. felt that dance has awakened me badly to the otherwise blissful and content self-esteem. then through dance i felt i know people better, whether it's good or bad, i have no idea. i still wished i dont have to go through it over and over again because it is taking up alot of brain juice and happy cells sometimes.
i dont mind dancing on a big stage with such bright lights shining onto me that i could not make out the faces of anybody that would make me feel conscious. i dont mind dancing in front of people whom i dont know and do not care and do not wish to impress. especially when dancing is NOT my forte.
now you're asking me to dance, a very sexy way, which i cant be sexy, in front of people i care about, which i can find no good coming out of it (fame? momentary applause?? male appreciation?!?)-- now i feel being FORCED to do something i dont like. and it makes me feel absurd when people feels angry with me as if i were selfish, as if i am out to make trouble and spoil things, as if i am an attention-seeking diva-wannabe, when i am so not.
in the end i wonder, who is selfish? now i am obliging in what everyone wants me to do and not what i want to. ok i can spew out all the verses like it's not I who lives in me, but He who lives, and then try to have faith and not have worldly worries and etc. anyone can use bible verses as a shield to fight for their rights. it takes a wise person to use it well and convince thoroughly, or at the very least, understand the point where one is coming from.
in the end, lesson. learnt. never. to. do. it. AGAIN.
why am i saying all these now? just so that i can remember how i felt when i ever meet with this kind of circumstances, to understand the Before in the Before-After of the dance, to voice out and show that i am not unreasonable, to seek for understanding that i am not a true self-sacrificial saintly friend who can go through difficulties like a breeze.
im not unreasonable but expectations of me are unreasonable. i agreed to this on the terms that it is only for the audition and nothing more. so why make it so unpleasant.
dont understand. i just dont understand. dont understand. trying to. but just do not understand.
trying to put the focus on the issue, not any person. especially if the person is of higher spiritual standing....when i saw that look on his/her face, i felt disappointed. same level of disappointment i guess. disappointed in each other.
janet it's ok it's just 1min30secs...~~~ohhhhhh~~~~ trying to make that 1min30secs seem shorter~~~~~
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