that day during work when i was chatting with qiaoyi about A Levels and stuff, she asked me this: "then if you fail A Levels, what are you going to do huh?"
that moment, my heart skipped a beat. i realized though I have thought about it and list down all the possibilities, i am not prepared for any other options but to get a decent A Level cert. i may say that i am, but i am not. i cant imagine going to a course i hate, or going to MI, or retaking my A Levels. i am so not prepared.
God i am scared.
my dad asked me when i was going to receive my results, just out of the blue. it took me right straight out the happy mood i was in, and i became afraid. i am guilty.
my dad, my father, my daddy. i dont want to disappoint you. you're the one i always seek to please. the reason why i never napped the day i received my report card that i was fifth in class, just to show it to you and hear you say "i am so proud of you". the reason i stayed out of trouble, the reason i did my homework. the reason that i can still be proven worthy to the scholar-children of your colleague's. the reason that you still have one more good daughter.
but now i am afraid. i'm shaking and trembling. but who to hold me up and all?
what would i do with my ugly results? i cant think about it. i just cant.
please dont tell me that i can make it. coz you dont really know. exams are always filled with unexpectations. and i dont want to fall harder.
numb me. hypnotize me. anaestize me. make me forget all my worries, return me to the times i was happy before.
bring me to sentosa and have another chocolate fondue there. play indian poker and name attack till sunsets. lets bury each other in the sand and stay there.
take me away somewhere.
anywhere...
anywhere
anywhere from this misery.
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